Thoughts on Relationships

Hmm ever tried to write and have so much to say but cannot put it on paper or in this case blog it because you don’t know what to say??? It seems like an oxymoron to me. Frustrating really.
Your feelings on certain topics want to come out but it cannot for some reason. It is a tug of war inside. Sometimes you know what the topic is.... but to put into words. It’s almost impossible. Perhaps it is because there are no words to describe or to explain what is churning up inside.
Maybe if I keep writing the dam would burst open?
Taking a deep breath.
Have you ever been in a friendship or any kind of relationship that you work on for a long time but still have moments when you experience flight... the urge to run? I usually feel this way when I am feeling insecure about myself.
I often think about relationships and how they work. It is different for everyone I suppose. What works for one may not work for another. Thus each relationship is treated differently.
Jesus had different relationships with His apostles, John being the closest. I suppose it is a matter of choice how deep or how close we want to be with a person and keep it very healthy along the way.
There are many friendships in the bible some were close ones and others were not. Age difference didn’t even matter as long as there was support from both parties. Some of these friendships lasted for a long time but others did not.
I notice that there are some people that have many friends; there is no lack for them in this area. They are constantly with a friend, talking to someone and developing relationships where as there are some of us that only have one or two close friends and really do not spread ourselves thin. We can keep commitments easier and not bail out at the last minute.
I don’t know but I seem to be the kind that has few to no friends at all, with the exception Jesus of course. I desire to know more people but struggle with keeping up with more than one or two friends. I sometimes feel hopeless in that area. I have so many people on my msn list and email lists but I rarely make the initiative to keep in touch with them. I tend to wait for them to talk to me only because most of the time I have nothing to say and because it takes so much effort and energy to maintain a relationship. I guess I am just lazy in this area and so it’s my own fault and I shouldn’t complain.
I am the kind of person that can be confided and what is shared doesn’t go beyond my lips. I am so not in the business of destroying friendships and I don’t mind when someone dumps on me. Interestingly enough I often forget what is said within 24-48 hours after it is said. I might still know what it was about but not the exact wording. I learned some hard lessons on this long ago and it took a while to be trusted again and to trust myself as well.
Gee I don’t even know why I am writing all this… but I guess the dam opened up somewhat.
Is it possible to be feeling offended when you are not fully sure what you are offended about yet you have this sinking feeling inside? I think it is possible and it just stirs within for days. God says to put aside our offense but what if you aren’t even sure why it is there in the first place or maybe you do but have no words to express it? Gosh it’s such a battle within especially from a person like me who has strong emotions and it just rages within. I couldn’t even begin to explain how I feel. There aren’t words strong enough, big enough on this earth to explain it. How I hate that!
I just continue to hope and try to believe it will all work out in time. Meanwhile I just have to continue to trust and believe that I am still in existence in peoples lives and that I am loved and cared for. Also I need to just stop feeling like I have to flee. It’s that flight or fight syndrome. I end up fighting to survive rather than fleeing from the situation even if it tears me apart within me.
Why did I end up being so passionate about friendships? Couldn’t God have given me something else to be more passionate about instead? He must have a reason but for the life of me I haven’t the foggiest idea what or why?
Ahh well Life must go on and so must I!
This touched only the surface of how I am feeling. The ability to go deeper and put it into words may take some time especially when I need to be honest with myself and not hide within!

Just my crazy thoughts!