Driven by Eternity~~ ACCCKKKK!

These past 2 week or at least a month now, I have been struggling with true salvation and eternity. I have had so many questions and I am now reading Driven by Eternity and choking back the tears and realising how much more so I need to get my act together and truly follow Him. I have been haunted the last few nights again and unable to sleep for fear of not waking up and ending up in hell. It really scares me but today I read something... John Bevere said we don't have to go into judgement in fear but we can go with confidence then he quotes a scripture aftward 1 John 4:17 NLT . I was able to breath a little bit but not fully, I am realising more and more that my salvation is heavily at stake. I willfully and habitually sin knowingly and if I were to die right now the odds of me entering heaven is not good and that has me shaking inside.
I have known this for a while and it is obvious the Lord wants me to grasp the truth of true repentence and forgiveness. I know it all in my head but it has not become part of my heart yet. I have read various passages from Matt 7 even today in this book is came up and I am just shaken. My greatest fear is not making the right choice.... I choose yet my flesh battles with the truth and the false. John is beginning to put it into perspective though using the movie the Matrix. The contrast between what is real and what we think to be real and that is something I am beginning to get a hold of. Is it worth it to willfully sin... it looks good.. it feels good but it isnt good at all? Like Eve was decieved... she saw the tree as good and beautiful but it truly wasnt the reality of that tree.

I finished the first part of the story Affabel and it so reminded me of Hinds Feet in High Places. Who do I relate to the most ... faint in heart and what was her end? Read the book and find out. Who do I want to be like most? Charity!
Yet I relate to all the characters, there is a bit of all of them in me except double life, he was a teacher and I am not in that kind of a role.
The one thing I want to understand... my heart skipped a beat when I read this... the goodness of our deeds before we turned away would be forgotten and not credited to you. My question is this how can this be redeemed, can it be redeemed? I turned away for a time so does that mean everything I did before that is nothing or when I repented and returned to Him will they be remembered again?
The other thing that has come up this month is the Book of Life. There is an argument going around that says ... once your name is written in the book of life it cannot be erased ... but why would God say not erased.. doesnt that mean it can be??? John said in this book.... it can because we are not saved till the END, Scriptures say He who endures to the end WILL BE SAVED. so I understand this to mean right now we are being saved but the full salvation isnt untill Judgement Day! This throws the once saved always saved out the window completely! He who endures to the end overcomeswill be clothed in white and His Name will be in the book of life and cannot be erased. So at the end it cannot be erased for those who kept the faith, the walk , commandments , and KNEW HIM .... their names will not be blotted out ever!
This blew me away and made me gasp.
It also brought up a question... what if after turning away , upon returning to Him and enduring to the end ... will all those things be restored or is it too late? I am sure John will be able to answer that question later in the book.
I am sure I will have more to say when I read more of the book. I read all I could take today and I hope I can sleep tonight! My inner core being is shaken and I am a bit freaked out! Not that I already was... it just confirmed more of what I feared! I do not want to give up... I want to know Him and I want to realllllllllllllyyyyyy be close to Him as a servent of the most high but it will require major life changes... I think my world is about to be turned upside down or should I say right side up?
Thats it for now